The Power of Pausing: Unveiling Your True Self | Episode 105

(1) The Power of Pausing: Unveiling Your True Self | Episode 105 - YouTube
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfPByTlfaHI

Transcript:
(00:06) all right Jess so first I wanted to check in with you about the the silent Retreat that you just finished up and I know you you've led a few of them and actually yeah we uh we were at one silent Retreat together outside of DC um that was maybe actually the last time that that that I saw you but anyway um just something to share about your most recent experience and and generally like the power of Silent Retreats of of what you've seen what you've experienced yourself and what you've noticed uh
(00:37) happening for others yeah a big reconnection to oneself and to also a wisdom that lives inside of oneself that can often get dismissed or forgotten in the flurry of Life uh and so also a a seeing of uh people coming back home to them themselves coming back home that's a very interesting idea right it's like what even do you think happens in regard to moving away from home like how do I why and how do I move away from home yeah I mean it brings up even a
(01:43) bigger question what is home and where is home uh but I think we all myself included how many times do I get caught in the grind and the busy and the the the doing and the going and and even maybe caught and hijacked in a state of fear or stress or worry or kind of moving too fast you know in a in a rush on our way Always Somewhere going somewhere else and there's a sense of of like lost or being lost or losing oneself and so it it seems like silence and a way can be a pathway to catching back up with oneself I like that you mentioned that's
(02:41) kind of that's the coming home yeah and you mentioned speed because I think speed is an essential component uh in this right like when I when I get caught I would say normally it's it's because of how fast I'm operating internally and when I slow down genuinely on the inside that's coming home so there's all these different techniques and ideas and and whatnot but is it as simple as a matter of speed I wonder about that well it's interesting you speak to that uh because the whole entire first
(03:28) day uh the theme that is offered into the space is all about slowing down breathing and relaxing and I think it just speaks to what you're saying when we when I get caught in in speed or distraction or moving too fast through our life our inner environment and the inner ecosystem uh is also affected by that speed and so if I'm moving through my life externally really fast the internal system and follows that and so there is it feels like a a big key ingredient to the journey of silence and and meeting silence is that
(04:15) whole process of slowing down breathing uh remembering that I have a body I live in my body um relaxing softening the grip the armor the protection that we need to at times put on to make it through the day why do do we really need to do that I wonder it's like is that the Mind thinking that I need to do that in order to protect myself is it true I mean that's a really good question I I would imagine on some levels it's not so true and maybe it's a habit and conditioned um patterning and there are
(05:06) some people that I you know live in in certain situations that yeah it is they they do need the armor to to walk down the street and make it through the day and yeah I think it's it's kind of situational I also it seems as though you know the armor is part of the conditioning response to like too much too fast or the conditioning response to some kind of overwhelm or excess stress yeah so I feel that way and then I don the armor and what what is that armor that I'm I'm putting on like what what exactly is it
(06:02) H yeah well it's a separation from me and the other me and another it's a separation from something that feels frightening it's maybe some kind of safety mechanism in some way I mean it's I I imagine and I'm thinking of myself it's like it's all all it the armor is is put on from from actually a place of wisdom of like oh if I don't put this armor on I might not survive this moment you know whether that's that's true or not um it seems as though that's where the armor kind of comes
(06:57) from as as a place like the armor put on as a place of like oo something's happening and like a Sur survival mechanism almost yeah you think most of the time specifically in regard to other people like there's something there's something about other people's behavior that I need to protect myself from well there is quite a bit of violence and discrimination and inequality and um separation in our world right now um unfortunately there's a lot of differences and people you know we can get easily caught in oh that person is
(07:48) different and I'm putting up my armor to to you know other that person or keep that person over there do we need to do that um hope not do we do that yeah and is it is it a service I wonder about this like is it a service to others um to you know shed that armor or not put it on in times when maybe I am inquiry you know who who am I when I I lay down the armor right and you know I know you have an interest in authenticity right and so I wonder too when when I'm wearing this armor is it less authentic than when the armor is
(08:46) off sure yeah I mean I speak for myself um the armor yeah I would say yes if if there's armor on then I'm then in some some way I'm either hiding or not revealing just my full self which means if I'm if my full self isn't here then am I really being authentic so is that your your practice to like do you feel when there's maybe a tendency to put on that armor protect yourself maybe put on you know a mask is maybe another another way to put it and then like you see that you acknowledge that
(09:38) and then maybe choose not to put it on uh I think for me more of the practice is the pause because that what you just said can happen in like you know a snap of a finger extremely fast and um so there is there is a a quality of awareness around that and almost like a a a learning or a discovery more of who I am and and know why I do what I do and and I think more of the Cur for me more of the curiosity is taking that moment to pause like whoa what just happened versus oh now I have to do something and like put my armor
(10:27) down so I I guess I approach this situation more from like pause and curiosity of what just happened and why did that just happen because I think in in the the what and the why and the Curiosity that will actually reveal more information on maybe what's actually needed in the moment I want to ask you about time and you know how you choose to spend your your time how you want to spend spend your time going going forward I'm sure that you you know reflect reflect on this okay like here's my life I get to move
(11:08) forward from here yeah know what makes sense to you in terms of uh how to spend your time it brings up the question of uh what really matters what's most important what's really meaningful and what's what nourishes what nourishes me what nourishes you um and what's the thing that matters most right now and when I can ask those kinds of questions because it shifts you know every day might be a little bit different um when I can ask those kind of questions it feels like they can be guiding lights to another
(11:54) the answer of your question um but what I see like common threads are community and the power and the potency and the need uh for Community uh and fellow fellow Travelers on the path path uh and that kind of communal connection uh seems really important for me and is a really big key element of of of life also creativity uh whether that gets expressed physically in the body or uh I paint a lot and write a lot and do a lot of poetry so creativity and giving space for creativity um feels really important um and I guess the word that just came
(12:56) up was uh Dharma and it just like a a sense of like Duty and responsibility and inquiry which I think is always happening but like why am I here and what is the essence of Jeffs and what gifts do I have to offer and can I actually live more from like that Essence um and can that be the guide and then a lover of helping other people discover find and remember that within themsel which also means discovering what gets in the way of that Essence from being expressed in its full way and is community a container for doing that
(13:57) work I do feel that way yeah I really there's a phrase that uh came from Stephen cope uh a dear teacher and mentor of mine and I just I really love it and the more that I immerse myself in in a community it's like oh my I so feel that and see that but he says we see one another into being and I become because of you and so because we're together uh you know there's there's a a seeing of of one another into into our our being and we are able to do that because we're we're seeing and and being seen
(14:46) we're witnessing and being witnessed we're we're hearing and being heard I think in in community there's some sense of you know the the container of of safety of um belonging which seems to me that every human being craves that the most and in a sense of safety and belonging yeah PE people people come alive yeah I've been like investigating this for a bit of time like just seeing the the the power of community behind intentions right so I ask myself you know why is this person doing this or that and so often it seems that the
(15:42) answer is to find Community to to belong no and so much so that often I think you know people will belong to communities that aren't very healthy for them but that sense of belonging is so crucial that I'm going to be a part of this anyway even if it's not really the community that my heart yearns for I need it to survive I need to be a I need to belong um so I'm going to go there anyway but in terms of the communities that that you're a part of that you've been a part of know what have you found
(16:17) to be you know essential components for a healthy Community what does that look like yeah healthy community ah well authenticity feels you know space and room uh and a welcoming of everyone to be who they are just as they are and where they are on the journey without some kind of expectation that we should be somewhere different or I should should be something different um that feels like a a really important Community or important ingredient love compassion patience courage bravery I mean it takes a lot of courage and bravery to
(17:08) be in a space to be seen to be witnessed in the fullness of who you are when it's absolutely beautiful and and when it's also like whooo little feel like a little bit of a hot mess can I welcome that too um so so there's some some kind of like ingredient of like of humanness permission for that permission to to be you and and to do your work and you know we're going to accept you wherever you wherever you're at you know yeah yeah and an ingredient of inquiry right we're all kind of in
(17:51) this inquiry together um intention also feels really important you know like what are we all doing here together what what are we growing what are we fostering what are what are we practicing so to speak together I think having some kind of like Guiding Light can be supportive how we of service to the the greater and the larger right we come together and how can how can we as a community be of service to the greater and the larger larger Collective so there's like an individual purpose and then there's the purpose of the
(18:34) community and both seem yeah essential I guess they can line up too yeah yeah they seem so connected and intertwined and they and almost like feed into and off of one another so I'm not just here for myself and my own growth and healing and dis Discovery and uncovery uh that that actually ripples out and it can't be any other way right like we don't I don't live in isolation even if I have the intention to to do that um any work that I'm doing on myself is is going to affect the environment
(19:15) right it seems to be that way right we change I change you change um what I've witnessed is the people around me change without me even needing to say or do anything so there is a ripple yeah yeah natural yeah that balance is is is one that you know I I investigate you know sometimes because my mind wants to do something for someone else for for others and then and so there's that part of me but then there's another part of me that that just kind of feels that I don't need to do anything else aside
(20:00) from continue to work on myself that that accomplishes that other goal um more efficiently effectively than it would be for my mind to try to figure out you know how can I help other people I I don't know I I kind of struggle with that one a little bit finding the balance there I I'm I'm like a notice of myself um with this phrase working on myself yeah I get a little like yeah please say more um because I find so many people come to our silent Retreats or so many people just uh come to Calo and and and just be on the path of
(20:50) just human or self-discovery and it's like that's how we walk to the like is that how we walking to the path is that how we're walking on the path of like I have to work on myself and so now I'm a self-improvement project which then in some interesting subtle way is basically saying well there's something wrong with me I don't I see I don't see it that way I don't I don't think that it needs to be that right so like even the words are I have to work on myself I would shift
(21:22) that to I get to work on myself because it's fun because what else is there to do and I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with where I am right now I mean I think the point that you're making is totally uh essential I have this friend who's LED this amazing uh campaign and her slogan is everything is right about you everything is right about you and I think and she like really sees the need for that slogan so I get that completely and that that is actually I think um the Viewpoint that
(21:57) is going to lead to the most growth growth doesn't happen when I kind of Shame myself and say oh there's something wrong with me now I need to uh change something work on myself no the growth happens when where I'm at is totally fine it's totally acceptable it's completely human and there's always more yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah perfect toal and complete and there's always more I wanted to ask you about small thinking you mentioned that yeah like you you mentioned like um just moving
(22:37) beyond you know thinking small or maybe the way I looked at it is in kind of like observing the mind and the quality of thoughts and that some thoughts seem you know smaller or maybe not not needed not I don't need to entertain them and then other thoughts are more of the higher higher level of of quality and actually productive uh in some way know do you do you experience that yourself and how do you distinguish between the two well I am human so yes I um when I guess when I was thinking of small mind I was thinking of
(23:24) um you know our story like yes this this Witness or this watching of the the stories of the mind and the Curiosity of like what's running the ship and and the the loops and the the story patterns that are running running the running the show and oftentimes what I find is yeah there there can be some small mind thinking where I get kind of caught or hooked in what you know I'm not good enough or something's wrong or um there's a problem here or you know it kind of goes back to that armoring and
(24:07) separation uh versus maybe more more wholesome or larger qualities of of mind around like love or acceptance or patience or Compassion or um yeah yeah so small mind I guess it feels this the stories that are outdated not true that keep keep me personally small the conditioning that keeps me small so you see those kind of Rise come into your awareness and then you have a a practice of letting them go or or shifting them in a direction that feels better um yeah yeah interesting language um again I I bring in the word
(25:12) curiosity and then I I often I'm ask asking myself like is that really true um is that like is that really true um and that and that question there's actually like a a non-doing I don't have to do anything other than just ask that question with curiosity and that usually reveals for most of the time for me like no that's actually not not true and that keeps me in my small little box uh separated from this or that or um and that the question kind of allows me to to see see see more clearly I love that question know think
(26:04) you uh you describe yourself as a a truth Blazer but this yeah just just being curious right and investigating the truth that seems so important to me like like yeah right like the word truth is is Holy I would even say um but it's yeah yeah and it's it's almost like medicine honestly like awareness awareness brings truth right the more aware I can be uh them with curiosity and compassion and patience um among you know with with my own human conditioning and with others the more awareness there is the more the more
(26:50) truth is revealed and the more truth is revealed then there's there's more wisdom on and how to na navigate the next couple steps and it actually comes from what feels like this natural unfolding versus like oh I have to do something and figure something out it's like truth is just truth it's enough than to to simply be aware and to trust in that in the awareness of of then it will lead to the progression I think that you outlined yeah yeah I mean I really see believe and like that awareness really is is
(27:36) medicine you ever consider that there's maybe like priorities inside yourself like the mind can kind of set an intention to have a a certain priority like this is the most important thing to me and it's beneficial to kind of get that straight because all these different things are kind of you know swirling around jumbling around um so to to to Really set a clear intention okay this is like the top priority so as an example right like awareness like that's my intention is just to to be in Awareness as often
(28:15) as I can you know or or to be experiencing love whatever whatever it is does that seem important to kind of have an internal ranking of maybe the states of being I might call them that are the most uh precious healthy to exist in I think it's it seems really beneficial to have a Guiding Light intention yeah it feel it feels import it feels important but it also feels meaning F to have a Guiding Light because then when I Stray out I can when I when I Stray away from it move away from it it's I can then say Oh
(29:09) okay come back to the light that Guiding Light whatever it is and that's that's the practice of of returning to The Guiding Light uh you know I see The Guiding Light though as there's a lot of flexibility in that right because it might shift and like The Guiding Light might shift and change as as I move through a different era of my life as I move through a different season of my life you know when I was in a place of real deep grieving it's like my Guiding Light was very different and I I needed something very
(29:45) different um and so different phases and stages of just my own healing process called for a different Guiding Light and so it's I guess use I don't know I want to bring in the word flexibility of of The Guiding Light and also though yeah it feels like when I did have a Guiding Light it it brought was it maybe Direction I don't know if I yeah Direction you said when you did have a a Guiding Light does that mean you don't feel like you have a Guiding Light right now uh no I do I I it's something I
(30:33) check in with myself on a on a regular basis and I ask a lot like yeah this just what's where where where am I pointing the compass yeah um like I want to set the sails like where where am I setting the sails I have no idea where the boat's going to go and what's going to happen but um I want to lean like a little bit over here yeah I like that you bring up the importance of flexibility right maybe another way to describe this um what what I try to investigate is like my relationship with my past self and is
(31:16) that is that serving me now like you know commitments intention that I set in the past so sometime in the past you know I could have uh an Insight enlightening moment where that's where the The Guiding Light is is discovered right in the in those moments where it's so clear it's like yes this is it and it's so powerful that I want to make a commitment intention devotion whatever to hold on to it because I see in that moment how beneficial this can be for me and so I do that and then my my life
(31:55) unfolds and I'm you know know spending as much time as I can with that Guiding Light I would say but to your point a little bit that there there could be a time that comes when that doesn't feel appropriate for where I'm at right now it was appropriate for my past self but it might not be appropriate for but it can be confusing because the commitment was so strong in the past so powerful that I could even feel like I'm maybe letting myself down by letting that go [Music] potentially yeah H right but then you're also checking in
(32:42) with yourself in this moment right here of what is most needed and what might be most supportive so then I would question is that really letting yourself down or is that meeting who you who who you are right here and right now versus how but how often do I get to do that I could do that every moment well yeah as many as many moments as you bring pause into the day and say hey what's going on check like check in yeah which that of itself is a practice right of just a moment to take a breath and check in and I wonder if we you know kind of give
(33:36) enough credit to how Wild this experience is that we've been born into right like it's it's really something yeah yeah I love that like welcoming the wild because it it is it's it's wild there's you know unknown territory there's the ups and the downs and the twists and the turns and the like you know moments of being so clear right and and truth and wisdom and then moments where that it's like so foggy and dense and like I can't even I can't see yeah I think that's like the most
(34:18) confusing part that I've experienced is the fluctuation I would say where it's it's really um something to Grapple with I think that I can feel a certain way in the morning and then I feel totally different in the middle of the day and I feel another way in the evening and and everything in between right and in the moment it feels stable and then the change comes and and and I think also this is this is where my relationship with with words is extremely important and how I label myself because I can label you
(35:05) know we tend to do this you know I am this I am that I tag a label on myself because it feels true in the moment and then later in the day or later in the month whatever it is I don't feel that way anymore but it's like wait a second I said that I am this thing and then now it doesn't feel true what do I do about that yeah the the multifaceted humanness right I wonder if you know part of part of part of the journey is letting it all in like oh yeah that's a part of me too oh yep that's a part of me too and oh
(35:51) yep that's a part too and yeah that's an aspect too and sometimes I feel this way and sometimes I feel that that way without it being a problem or without needing to attach a story to it like okay yep now it's this and then it's this and in two hours you know that it's going to be this and it's almost like that's the gift of impermanence looking at it as a gift yeah why not yeah was having a conversation with some friends the other day right and we kind of came to this place or like the only
(36:36) problem is is when I make it into a problem totally yeah yeah they're and it's not to dismiss like yeah there's some things in our world that definitely need our attention but um where do we make more problems than need to be and I feel this way or this is happening or this you know now it's this and and now I'm feeling this way and now I'm really confused and it's like yeah that's a part of the journey oh yeah that's a part of the journey too well and really the inquiry is okay
(37:18) so this is what's arising for me and how can I meet that acceptance it's huge yeah welcoming acceptance curiosity a lot of patience yeah where does gratitude come in to play for you what's your relationship with that yeah it's a big part of my day many moments to to pause and just like look up up look around um something for me that has been really helpful in the practice of gratitude is not just naming it but also feeling it inside so I'm grateful for B up B up up and and that like so I actually get a
(38:13) taste and a flavor of what that feels like and for me it it just like it's it gets it gets embodied so it's not just this cognitive mental thing it becomes like this whole embodied practice and then to take it another fur like a a layer further is if it if it's a gra it's a gratitude or thankfulness for a person to actually like share that out loud has been really meaningful um and really connecting so that I like actually bring others into that so the a practice of telling other people that you're
(39:00) grateful for them well let's just say like in the moment yeah I'm grateful this for this really amazing conversation that we get to have um about juicy stuff that not everybody is talking about and what a gift that I get to be here with you and like actually speaking that out loud that feels not just an internal thing it's it's like a now it's a us together kind of thing yeah I can as as you say that I feel that too it's it's like a gift that you've just given by speaking it out
(39:42) loud or if I'm grateful for my partner like thank you for da d d d doing this and and I actually speak that to to them it's it becomes a whole different kind of practice Yeah there's um I have like a a little bit resistance isn't the right word but I I try to be careful of this game of um kind of emphasizing the individual you know both myself and other people because I'm finding so much benefit in letting go of my identity right and and so it's it feels like a balance like I I have a tendency
(40:31) to like offer compliments is kind of my my way way of being but it is the flip side of judgment right it's the positive aspect of of judgment I'm judging someone else to be likable um you know good person whatever it is uh and so that that feels nice but at the same time is it reinforcing the this attachment to Identity and like the real the real juice that I experienc in my life is when I you know let go of Avi where he doesn't exist anymore you know um yeah I wonder about that so you offering a compliment to
(41:18) someone in some way is just solidifying more of your identity is that what you mean yeah well I reverse it around and like when someone offers me a compliment noticing what happens Within Myself you know and it's both nice and like the danger signal is also flashing for me now it's like okay like because I don't want to like Elevate myself into this place of like you know I'm I'm so good type of thing like I just am like ultimately I feel that there's nothing to take credit for like what do I have
(42:05) to take credit for so I don't I don't I don't know yeah yeah I mean what what came up when you asked that question what do I have to take credit for is just the uniqueness of who you are but is that mine to take credit for well there's no other person like you so is that yours to take credit for um I don't know is it yours to is it your duty though to not duty but yeah maybe Duty or responsibility to to live that because it kind of goes back to what we were talking about before like that's this is the essence of
(42:52) Obi I think for sure that feels right to live that Essence really be in that there's like a being in that to knowing that the uni uniqueness exists and that you know I hold value and that each one of us somehow is valuable I believe that a thousand per. that's just the way it is it's crazy that that's the way it is but that's the way it is [Music] um yeah at the same time it's like the mind the mind can yeah take take credit and like that's where the ego comes in a little bit like yeah you know I'm I'm so good
(43:37) or I've done so much work or anything like that and that that place doesn't feel beneficial like it's really serving me to do that it feels kind of old like I've already done it before and I want to let that go sure I wonder if it's there's a difference between like taking it in up here and taking it in here that's what I think it is different a different way of of taking in receiving being nourished by a compliment um which really in in a sense is is an expression of love right and so my more of my question
(44:19) would be well what's what's preventing this this person's expression of love and care and connection from from entering me yeah I think that's beautiful like just as as you mentioned with gratitude I think it's the same thing right the the difference between thinking it up up in the mind which is totally fine and beneficial but moving it into the heart or the the whole being is and I think you're right it it often is like I like to translate what people are are saying into like just love the energy of love
(44:56) like even just like our our customary greetings with each other like you know hey how's it going you know how's your day going things like that oftentimes right people don't really want an answer to that question but we're asking it anyway I think there's lots of different examples that one of the more sensitive ones is around you know when someone experiences loss you know you say like I'm sorry right that maybe is not like the appropriate thing necessarily I know some have have told me and I've
(45:32) experienced that like you know I don't really want to feel that sorry but at the same time it's just trying to find the words to support another being like that's the essence of it so I don't want to get caught in the actual words that someone's saying I want to just realize that what they're doing is just saying like love that's all they're doing and I can receive it if I want to receive that love um and it's as simple as that I think something that like listening to you speak what brings up is
(46:06) um something that becomes very palpable in a silent Retreat is uh the the power of one's presence and how much a being another person's presence can actually speak so much louder than any kind of words which people feel we feel that I can feel someone's presence much more than oh I'm sorry for your loss or da d d d da um just the the the vibration of of presence can actually be even more penetrating so to speak than the right kind of word The Power of Love can actually you know the the the the energy the spirit
(46:58) of Love Can can be so much more penetrating than all the words and it's it it's wild like sitting in a silent Retreat how actually connected I feel to most people who are strangers and we're not even really talking but we're sitting in a field of presence and love yeah reminding me of an experience I had a few weeks ago where I was at a concert and I was just walking around and looking at all these people I've never seen any of them before and I could still feel that I would look at someone and really look at
(47:47) them and feel that I I knew them like I know you not to be like you know I mean there's the distinction between like like my mind thinking oh I you know I judge I can know this person it wasn't wasn't from a place of words it was it was a deeper thing and like how cool is that that we can just we can look at people and just know them what's that lights you up yeah it's it's um I'm gonna use this word again but that's medicine right that's that's human to human soul to soul like I see
(48:22) you that's what I'm hearing you say like like what if we could see the sacred in everyone like what a different world we would be living in I think the words do get in the way of that often if there's anything that I I would say that I'm observing that gets in the way it's the word not that words I don't want to make words the enemy either because here we are having a conversation that feels beneficial but it's just the right relationship with the words you know I've been asking myself a lot just how
(48:58) much whatever it is that's becoming a very important question to me it's like how much yeah yeah and that is a a big Revelation for many people how words actually could separate us from other people and yeah and and yourself right well that's what's happening with the mind too right the the words in in the mind the thoughts are maybe separating Me From Myself yeah Jess is so great to connect thank you so much for taking the time yeah yeah yeah thanks for a good good conversation thanks for listening if
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